I had another post planned for this week, but I was really struggling to write it. That usually means I’m supposed to be talking about something else, so I asked my guides what it was I needed to write about instead.
They told me they wanted me to talk about romantic love.
I honestly hadn’t planned to talk about this at all this month because I feel we prize it too much in our society. I wanted to help you focus on you and loving yourself instead.
But I know better than to argue with my guides – most of the time anyway. So here we are.
Now, I should probably say that I love love. I really do. That’s not why I didn’t want to talk about it.
I may seem like a tough little egg to crack when it comes to all this to people that don’t know me, but I’m a huge softy.
I love rom coms, flowers, pet names, meet cutes, and silly anniversaries.
Is it saccharine sweet? I’m in.
But I also firmly believe we must be complete in and of ourselves before we venture into a committed relationship.
Y’all, I’m going to use definitive words! I’m going to should – and should not -with you.
This is one of the rare cases I believe it to be appropriate. You’ve got to know the rules to break them right?
We should not be looking for someone to complete us. We should be whole in and of ourselves.
Note: When I say you need to be whole, I mean you should not be looking for someone outside of yourself to fill the gaps trauma has caused.
Everyone is broken in some way. Broken is ok.
Being broken and deciding someone else needs to save you is not. It is not ok to get into a relationship hoping the other person will do your emotional labor.
The only person that can “fix” (read: heal) you is you.
You should recognize that you are all you need, even if you’re not where you want to be on your healing journey yet. You are a complete person all on your own, trauma and all.
We should be looking for someone that compliments us. And while being told we’re beautiful or handsome is lovely, that’s not the type of compliment I’m talking about here.
We should want another person who is whole as well, who adds a substance and depth to our lives that we would otherwise lack. Someone that makes us want to be a better version of ourselves every day.
We need to be looking for our equal. Our partner. And we shouldn’t settle for anything less from them, or from ourselves.
We should want someone that wants us, not someone that needs us (and vice versa).
To have that kind of relationship though, we’ve got to put in the work on ourselves first.
That means digging in and finding why you want to be needed instead of wanted.
Are you afraid if someone doesn’t need you, they’ll leave you?
Why do you seek codependency?
Why do you play games, or allow others to do so?
Was a healthy relationship never modeled for you when you were growing up, so you didn’t know such a dynamic even existed and have just been repeating the patterns you saw played out around you in childhood?
Do you fear you’re unlovable?
Why are you afraid to be fully yourself with someone else?
Why would you rather be in a bad relationship than alone? What is so terrible about being single to you?
These are all things that need to be explored in order to have a healthy, lasting romantic relationship. It’s the work required for love to truly last.
But the work doesn’t end once you’ve found your person. If anything, it takes more work once you’re in a relationship to keep it healthy, safe, and nurturing.
That’s part of why it’s so important for both (or all, no judgment if there are multiple consenting adults) parties to be whole and healthy, or healing, on their own.
You cannot be the one doing all the work in a relationship. That’s not fair, that’s not right, and that’s not love.
Love, real love, makes you feel understood. It makes you feel nurtured and valued (note: valued is not the same as needed!). It makes you feel safe.
It allows for you to be yourself fully – no holding back or watering yourself down needed.
It allows you to explore the depths of your soul, knowing you have a tether back to a safe person if things feel too heavy or frightening at times.
Love pushes you to grow in ways you’d never imagine otherwise.
You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to have your Shadow sorted and your mindset on point to have a healthy, loving relationship.
You just need to know who you are and be willing to love yourself, “imperfections” and all. To know that you are all you really need.
And when you find your person, you’ll find those “imperfections” are the things they love most about you.
If you want to do that inner work but don’t know where to begin, my introduction to Shadow Work program “Reset Your Mindset” is for you. In this program, I introduce you to the foundational steps of Shadow Work with an emphasis on using it to create self love. Click here to schedule a time to talk!