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Grace

This post was entirely unplanned, but seems to be pretty needed.

Including by me.

A couple days ago I shared a post on my personal Facebook page from a disability page I follow.

It was regarding the fact that it’s ok to be disabled, and all the things that go along with being disabled are also ok.

I know a lot of people with chronic illnesses, who are neurodivergent, or both.

Including me.

Many of them have been posting lately about feeling like burdens.

Like they have to fight through their pain, or battle with their minds, just to survive in this world.

I have never really considered myself disabled; though by virtually any definition I am.

I too have multiple chronic illnesses. I too am neurodivergent.

I’ve never made either of these things a secret in my writing.

But I’ve never once truly allowed myself to follow those facts to their logical conclusion: I am disabled.

I am disabled.

Yes, I can often function in a world not made for me.

But it costs me so much, and then I absolutely cannot.

That’s a huge part of why I started my businesses. 

I can make my own accommodations without worrying whether or not my boss will try to figure out a way to fire me – because they have, can, and will if they want to.

That’s why I’ve never disclosed my neurological conditions to any employer. They weaponize it and find ways to work around laws intended to protect people like me.

Working for myself allows me to rest when I need to and work when I can, in the ways that work best for me.

Allow me to meander a bit.

I have been, over the past 2 months, poisoned by my own medication.

I have Celiac disease.

My Celiac caused my Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.

I take a desiccated thyroid medication because my thyroid is mostly for show.

There is only 1 local pharmacy in this little town we moved to (you know, the move that caused my tailspin that I’m not quite out of – thanks in part to this poisoning I’m talking about…).

They do not carry my brand of thyroid medication. So they subbed it with the name brand. 

The one they happen to make exponentially more money on, and the one that costs me nearly 4x the copay of my normal medication.

I’m sure that’s totally unrelated…

Turns out that name brand is sometimes made with a wheat based ingredient – even though it claims to be gluten free.

Celiac disease means no gluten. No gluten means no wheat in ANY DAMN THING IN ANY DAMN WAY. 

EVER.

I have been so tired. Scattered. Foggy. Struggling to breathe. Losing weight (and I really don’t need to). My stomach has been a wreck. 

And my hair… oh my gods, my hair has been falling out like wild.

Now we come to my point.

I have not been able to work anywhere near my full capacity for two months now.

And I have been beating myself up for it.

Even though I knew I had no control over why I couldn’t breathe.

Even though I couldn’t figure out why I was exhausted after a full night’s sleep.

Even though I know I cannot control the brain fog when it falls.

I was not giving myself the grace I so often encourage others to give themselves.

I know better than this.

I comfort and encourage others when they’re suffering from their disabilities.

But I couldn’t – wouldn’t – do it for myself.

So, all this is to say I’m taking a deep dive into giving myself the grace I deserve.

Things I had planned for you, for this business, for this page are all going to stay on the back burner.

I may post from time to time about this journey I’m about to take myself on.

I may even make a program out of it – gods know it’s needed.

I hope this healing, both mental and physical, doesn’t take too long.

I’m excited about and in love with the things I want to bring you.

But I can’t put my full energy into them right now, so they need to wait.

I don’t want to short change either of us.

We both deserve my all.

I just got my notification from a new pharmacy that my proper medication is ready.

I’ll be better soon.

Tarot and Mental Health – The Moon

Tarot and Mental Health – The Moon

I had intended for this week’s post to be about The Tower. But that post just wouldn’t come out when I tried to write it.

The Moon wanted to come first. Maybe because we have a supermoon lunar eclipse this week?

This is a weird card my friends, I won’t lie. But I love it.

And at first glance, it’s easy to wonder what it has to do with anything in life, let alone mental health.

The moon in this card is actually a solar eclipse.

Historically in many cultures throughout the world, an eclipse (lunar or solar) was a bad omen. 

Think about it: day abruptly interrupted by a really weird night, only to return to day again (or chunks of the moon disappearing and/or the whole thing turning red), and you don’t know why. 

Scary stuff indeed.

The main theme of this card is fear. 

But it also asks us to look at who we are, to look at the face we show the world, and to question everything.

This card can mean many things, but ultimately for me it speaks to our Shadow.

You probably understand by now that Shadow is kinda my thing.

I think it’s one of the most important, and most overlooked, aspects of mental health.

Let’s recap a few of the ways Shadow can manifest shall we?

Projection: Seeing in others the aspects of yourself you dislike (often without “knowing” you also have these traits. Classic example? The raging homophobe who lives deeeeeep in that closet of theirs).

Anger. Anger at yourself. Your failings. Your attitude. Your everything. Everyone else sucks too, and they may need to know it.

Shame. Fear. Self doubt. Self sabotage. Self loathing.

All that and more lives in your Shadow. 

And The Moon? The Moon wants you to look at it all.

Let’s look at a few other aspects of this card. Because again, it’s just weird.

The path: That’s our life’s journey. We must walk this path. In so doing, we become our higher self.

The mountains: That’s the end of our journey. When at last we reach our higher self, we will find ourselves in those mountains.

The dog: That’s our good self we show to the world. The face we show for approval and to get people to like and care about us.

The wolf: That’s our base instincts. They don’t care what other people think. They just act.

That random ass lobster???

THAT is our shadow in all its glory.

Look at it. It’s kind of ugly. Not friendly looking. And don’t think it won’t pinch the crap out of you if you try to get near it.

But, if it were to climb onto the land in front of it, it would be perfectly situated to journey with the dog and the wolf to the mountains.

That is what this card is asking us to do. 

It is pushing us to look at what lives in our darkest depths, bring it out into the open, and teach ourselves to grow.

The Moon knows that’s scary. It knows we want to toss that lobster back in the water and run off the wolf.

It knows we want to pretend we are the dog. But even the dog is affected by The Moon, just look at it howling.

There is no escaping from the aspects of ourselves that we need to confront and heal.

To book a Shadow Reading to learn more about what is hiding in your Shadow, click here!

Ready to tackle your Shadow head on? Reset Your Mindset is an introduction to Shadow and Mindset work. Click here to learn more!

Already have some experience with Shadow and Mindset work, and you’re ready to dig deeper? Deconstructing Shadow is for you. Click here for more information!