This post was entirely unplanned, but seems to be pretty needed.
Including by me.
A couple days ago I shared a post on my personal Facebook page from a disability page I follow.
It was regarding the fact that it’s ok to be disabled, and all the things that go along with being disabled are also ok.
I know a lot of people with chronic illnesses, who are neurodivergent, or both.
Many of them have been posting lately about feeling like burdens.
Like they have to fight through their pain, or battle with their minds, just to survive in this world.
I have never really considered myself disabled; though by virtually any definition I am.
I too have multiple chronic illnesses. I too am neurodivergent.
I’ve never made either of these things a secret in my writing.
But I’ve never once truly allowed myself to follow those facts to their logical conclusion: I am disabled.
I am disabled.
Yes, I can often function in a world not made for me.
But it costs me so much, and then I absolutely cannot.
That’s a huge part of why I started my businesses.
I can make my own accommodations without worrying whether or not my boss will try to figure out a way to fire me – because they have, can, and will if they want to.
That’s why I’ve never disclosed my neurological conditions to any employer. They weaponize it and find ways to work around laws intended to protect people like me.
Working for myself allows me to rest when I need to and work when I can, in the ways that work best for me.
Allow me to meander a bit.
I have been, over the past 2 months, poisoned by my own medication.
I have Celiac disease.
My Celiac caused my Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.
I take a desiccated thyroid medication because my thyroid is mostly for show.
There is only 1 local pharmacy in this little town we moved to (you know, the move that caused my tailspin that I’m not quite out of – thanks in part to this poisoning I’m talking about…).
They do not carry my brand of thyroid medication. So they subbed it with the name brand.
The one they happen to make exponentially more money on, and the one that costs me nearly 4x the copay of my normal medication.
I’m sure that’s totally unrelated…
Turns out that name brand is sometimes made with a wheat based ingredient – even though it claims to be gluten free.
Celiac disease means no gluten. No gluten means no wheat in ANY DAMN THING IN ANY DAMN WAY.
I have been so tired. Scattered. Foggy. Struggling to breathe. Losing weight (and I really don’t need to). My stomach has been a wreck.
And my hair… oh my gods, my hair has been falling out like wild.
Now we come to my point.
I have not been able to work anywhere near my full capacity for two months now.
And I have been beating myself up for it.
Even though I knew I had no control over why I couldn’t breathe.
Even though I couldn’t figure out why I was exhausted after a full night’s sleep.
Even though I know I cannot control the brain fog when it falls.
I was not giving myself the grace I so often encourage others to give themselves.
I know better than this.
I comfort and encourage others when they’re suffering from their disabilities.
But I couldn’t – wouldn’t – do it for myself.
So, all this is to say I’m taking a deep dive into giving myself the grace I deserve.
Things I had planned for you, for this business, for this page are all going to stay on the back burner.
I may post from time to time about this journey I’m about to take myself on.
I may even make a program out of it – gods know it’s needed.
I hope this healing, both mental and physical, doesn’t take too long.
I’m excited about and in love with the things I want to bring you.
But I can’t put my full energy into them right now, so they need to wait.
I don’t want to short change either of us.
We both deserve my all.
I just got my notification from a new pharmacy that my proper medication is ready.
I’ll be better soon.